DCLance

Games 2 & 3: Euphoria

// September 25th, 2008 // No Comments » // DC, Redskins, Sports

As has been discussed here previously, my plans tend to be a bit more grand than my ability or time allows.  I had intended to discuss my thoughts about the Redskins’ performance after every game, but after the Saints/Redskins game, instead of discussing the team’s performance, Jason Campbell’s remarkable progress, the Santana Moss touchdown or the emergence of the Predator, I wasted 1100 words on the organization, design and enforcement of the orange parking lot and Michael Wiggins.

In all fairness I thought the Redskins were going to lose that game.  I thought they were going to lose big.  I’m not sure that even the most ardent Warpath Insider sunshine blower would have bet much on the Redskins winning that game.  But the Redskins did win – and because of that win, Carol Maloney and Comcast Sportsnet were able to craft a puff piece on the fans’ reaction to that win.  A puff piece in which I unwittingly took part.

My friend Matt has an eagle eye and the unique ability to recognize and place celebrities.  As Maloney was walking through the parking lot, celebrity spotter and heckler extraordinaire Matt began to give her the business, which surprisingly enough drew her to our tailgate.  After a few moments of banter concerning our Jack Kent Cooke and “Tailgating Our Guts Out” t-shirts, I was interviewed on camera about our tailgate and the state of Redskins nation.  During our discussion, I blathered for roughly two minutes on topics ranging from how disappointed and frustrated I was with the Redskins organization, the dickish ways of Michael Wiggins, the generosity of my parents and the fact that the Redskins would be very upset if they saw my t-shirt on Comcast Sportsnet.  Maloney then asked me how I felt about the Santana Moss touchdown, and after explaining how frustrated I was initially, I gave her the clip she was looking for:

I suppose this is a lesson learned.  When you are being interviewed, and you have one point you are trying to convey (for me, that was my disappointment with ownership and management), do not go off message for ONE SECOND, as invariably your message will hit the cutting room floor, and you’ll be left feeling LESS than euphoric.  Equally as annoying is the fact that the shot was framed so as not to show the Jack Kent Cooke design on my t-shirt for the entire sequence.  Thanks, Carol.

A few notes concerning the last two games:

• The tailgates have been great, with the Arizona game’s tailgate surpassing the New Orleans game’s for me (probably because it got off to a less douchey start).  Kris’ jambalaya and Kevin’s hurricanes for the Saints and Kurt’s fajitas and Kevin’s scorpions for the Cardinals were solid visiting dishes.  Ken’s post-win pork tenderloin is another nice addition.  The interview with Maloney and Matt’s post game discussion with Marcus Washington on 202 were also highlights of the Arizona game.
• FedEx Field is still not full, I’m still not sure how they’re counting these games as sell-outs.
• While the Durant Brooks pick looks super shaky with the botched hold and the brutal punting, the Chris Horton pick looks terrific.
• The Moss catch was in our corner of the end zone and it was the most exciting play I’ve seen in that corner since the Sean Taylor blocked kick return against Dallas.  Generally sitting close the field makes the game more exciting, but nothing beats an elevated corner view on long passes down the sideline.

FedEx Field Parking Lot Map NOT Accurate

// September 16th, 2008 // No Comments » // Redskins, Sports

The actual partitioning of the parking lot at FedEx Field, as per the map found on their website and the map found on the actual parking passes, is wrong. Clearly according to the map below (which is cropped from the actual parking lot .pdf found on Redskins.com) in the F section of the parking lot, the orange lot is bound by the platinum lot on one side, and by the green lot on the other side.

 

In practice, the sections labeled E2 and F2 were considered purple, and E3 and F3 divvied up into a thin strip of orange and green.

We enter the complex on Redskins Road (which is the northern most access road in this diagram), and make a left into what on Sunday was labeled the orange lot. Having reviewed the above map (and the one that is on my parking pass), I knew that the orange lot was bordered by the platinum lot on the west, so I navigated to the ends of the lot and unsuccessfully plead my case to the attendants, attempting to enter the lot next to the platinum lot. As I was turning around in the middle of “Bishop Peebles” Drive to re-enter the “orange” lot, I was heckled by a man who was approaching in a golf cart who asked “What are you doing turning around in a one way road, slappy?” As this man had an air of authority (maybe it was the fancy pants, maybe it was the slicked back hair, or maybe it was the nicely appointed golf cart), I decided to pull over and explain the situation to him. I knew the parking lot attendants were idiots, but surely this man could correctly read the map and explain the situation to us. Silly me.

Meet Michael Wiggins

I took my parking pass down from my rearview mirror and showed him the map, and as I was trying to explain that the area in which I was trying to park was actually orange, I was continuously talked over and repeatedly told “That is not orange, that is purple.  THAT is orange.”  After a few moments of this, I told the man repeatedly to “Fuck off,” and I drove away defeated, relegated to the newly drawn up “orange” lot.  I wish I could say that this was the last interaction we would have with this man, but I’m afraid I can’t.

For the last four years, we have parked along the jersey wall separating the orange and purple lots (when there actually used to be a purple lot next to the orange lot in the F section).  Since the purple lot would never fill up, we would put our tent and grill in a purple lot space, and break it down a half hour to forty minutes before kickoff.  This is the practice of NUMEROUS other tailgaters, and no purple lot parker has ever been impacted by our use of the purple lot, though in all fairness, it is a clear violation of the rules in the stadium guide.

After parking along the jersey wall, we started to set up the tent in what we had been told was the purple parking lot (as we have done for the last four years without issue).  In the distance we saw a golf cart approaching.  The cart stopped at one group of tailgaters who had set up a tent in the grass of the disputed orange/purple lot, and as the cart left that group, they began to break down their tailgate.  The cart then stopped at another group who had set up a few chairs and a grill in the disputed orange/purple lot, and upon leaving them, these tailgaters started to remove their gear from the lot.  At this point we were all pretty sure what was going to happen next.  The previous two exchanges were pretty much a show for us, so that Mr. Golf Cart could have some authority in telling us to remove our gear from the disputed lot.

The golf cart rolls up, and we are formerly introduced to Mr. Michael Wiggins, Redskins Parking Lot Czar.  For the next five minutes, we argued with Wiggins and got such witty remarks as,

“This is purple.  This is purple.  This is purple.”

“I’ll have the cops over here if you set up in this lot.”

“We will tow any car in this lot without a purple parking pass.”

“The grass is for parking, not for tailgating, those are specified parking spots.”

“I’ll bet you $1000 that this is not the orange lot.”

And a very Rovian, “That’s fine, but you’re wrong.  I don’t care what your map says, I have THE map.  It’s MY map.  I made the map.”

Well guess what Wiggins…either YOU’RE FUCKING WRONG or YOUR MAP IS FUCKING WRONG.

The way I see it, the Redskins and Dickface Wiggins have three options here;

1. Correctly break up the parking lot.
2. Change the fucking map (though this would be a little bit of a dick move considering the map is printed on the back of the tickets).
3. Do nothing at all and have corporate toady Michael Wiggins get in arguments with people who have orange parking passes and are being denied entrance to the orange parking lot.

My guess is they’ll go with option number 3.

There were two things a smart and rational person could have done to mitigate the problem on Sunday.  One is to say, “Hey guys, you know what?  I understand your confusion.  We fucked up.  The maps on our website and your parking pass are outdated and wrong.  We decided very recently to break up the parking lot in this manner, and so the website has not been updated to reflect these changes, and unfortunately the parking passes had already been printed.  I know it sucks, but we’ll have the website updated this week.”

The other is to be consistent.  After our exchange with Michael Wiggins, we witnessed numerous cars with green lot passes in the “orange” lot, and many cars with orange parking passes in what Michael Higgins bet me $1000 was the purple lot.  SOMEHOW SOMEBODY was letting people with orange parking passes into what Wiggins claimed was the purple lot.  At that point one could assume that either this lot is in fact orange, the parking attendants are not doing their job, or the parking attendants are getting money on the side to allow people entrance into a lot to which they don’t have legitimate access.

In the grand scheme of life, I know this isn’t a big problem.  There is a very real possibility that Sarah Palin could be President of the United States within the next few years, the country is an economic free fall, and what’s worse – Dan Snyder still owns the team.  It is just extremely frustrating to be given dumb, flippant, robotic answers from a parking lot toady when he is clearly and unequivocally wrong.